Nursery rhymes that never made it

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread. Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard.

Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Silly Jill forgot the pill And now they have a daughter.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It had not been the spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman Going to the fair Said Simple Simon to the Pieman: "What have you got there?" Said the Pieman unto Simon "Pies, you idiot!"

There was a little girl, who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead And when she was good, she was very very good But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car...

Hickory dickory dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one And the others got away with minor injuries

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle all over the bedside clock The little dog laughed to see such fun And the cat died of electric shock.

Mary had a little lamb It walked into a pylon 10,000 volts went up its leg And turned it's wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

Little Boy Blew. Hey, he needed the money. Mary had a little lamb She tied it to the heater Every time it turned around, It burnt its little peter. Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went She stepped in lamb shit. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack jumped over the candlestick Jack jumped high, Jack jumped low, Jack got himself some great balls of fire. Mary, Mary, quite contrary How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells And one fuckin petunia.